I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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