I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
