yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
