hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
