I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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