My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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