Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
