youre lurking in front of me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
