Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
