i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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