I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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