I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
