i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
