The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left