I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
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I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.