Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.