can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
