my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
