Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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