My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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