i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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