There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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