first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
