dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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