3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
