I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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