and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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