He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
