I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
