My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
