my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
