I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
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