Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
