Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
