My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
