Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
