I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Of course I have a pirate flag
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
