A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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