I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
