You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
