I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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