Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
