the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
