i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
