Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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