omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
