Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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