If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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