I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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