Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
