i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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