i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
