Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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