come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
