I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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