Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
