Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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