OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
